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 TOSS Awards 2019

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TOSS Awards 2019 Empty
PostSubject: TOSS Awards 2019   TOSS Awards 2019 EmptyWed 13 Mar - 16:47:08

TOSS Awards 2019

And first this afternoon we pause to reflect on those academy members who are unable to be with us today: Jamie who’s continuing to drift on the great waterway of life, and more seriously Kevin Aloysius Green, currently fighting an organism or organisms unknown without the ability to kill any of them because of his …can’t quite read this …stupid? Oh no sorry, strict ethical beliefs. Our thoughts are with them both and we pause for a moment to demonstrate the respect and esteem in which we hold these fellow academy members.

(Moves on Immediately)

Welcome to this year’s TOSSA’s; the fourteenth annual awards as usual are presented to recognise areas of achievement, excellence and of course, the lifeblood of our games, bribery and corruption. Only ten sessions since the last awards in what has been a very quiet year, Stars Without Numbers the only campaign played.

Before we get underway, a couple of items of business from the Academy:

News of a drop out in one of the longest running awards, the Most successful emulation of Henry the Eighth TOSSA; Phil has unfortunately been eliminated from contention, the Judges will give remaining competitors one final reminder, it’s divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived.

And following a controversial ruling by the Equalities commission it has been decided to discontinue the worst driver award. Sorry Jen but the commission decided that the award unfairly favoured female characters, so there you go, political correctness gone mad.

Next and after considerable difficulties judging this year, the judging panel deciding on the most reckless category have appealed to all players to try and ensure that at least one or two characters per session avoid reckless acts, as this category is becoming impossible to evaluate.

The academy has also received a petition signed 33 times although on investigation it seems that 27 signatures belong to Phil; asking for the award for worst punnage to be discontinued. Initially this had the Academy floundering for the correct stance but after due consideration and legal advice, this has been agreed. A further motion that the use of fish puns be deemed a capital offence was narrowly defeated. It has however been confirmed that Lucas Film and Walt Disney have been barred from the awards for three years for use of the character names ‘Fin’ and ‘Ray’ in recent Star Wars productions and stronger action has been threatened for future transgressions.

In a statement the Academy added: For pity’s hake this shark practise must end now. We have trawled through the evidence and agree that the net effect of these puns is detrimental to player mental health and without legitimate porpoise, and if the situation continues, players who are fish fingered for the offence will have their head mounted. On a pike.
So with that situation made absolutely clear we move at last to the awards.

[u]Best Cassock[/u]
Obviously, the Reverend Mannis Erabis

[u]The ‘So what if I can’t spell Armageddon, it’s not the end of the world’ award[/u]
I can wait, ok, Sam for not being sure how to spell – what else? Samuel. True story.

Best Death

Nominated Garble, Jed Conroy, Weylan, Captain McCullough, but in view of some confusion over these characters’ actual status, the winner:
Purple, torn to pieces by subterranean gold beetles whilst engaged in mine rescue operations

Best Communicator
After much consultation it was agreed by the judges to award this to Garble.

Should this cause any astonishment the judges wish it to be stressed that the award was for best, not clearest communicator.

Best Fruit and Coal Trafficker
Hopefully a unique award this year, Captain McCullough, whose flair for capitalism strongly suggests we have here a monopoly expert’s brain trapped in an Role Playing Gamer’s body.*

*and what a body

The Most Useless Attempt to Sneak up on Anybody Ever Award
Narrowly pipping Clint Eastwood in the Radio room of the Schloss Adler in ‘Where Eagles Dare’:
Weylan who was caught out by the automatic door that opened unexpectedly, instantly revealing him to the startled (but sadly not startled enough) guard he was sneaking up on and ultimately led to a disastrous party massacre

Most Electable Character
Astonishingly and largely based on his ownership of a rosette and his famous catchphrase ‘Go back to your starship, and prepare for hyperspace’,* Barnabus Epsilon

*Apologies to any Lib deb voters/ David Steel for whom this may revive painful memories circa 1982

The Samuel Johnson Wordsmith award
Well he’s on a roll, the man who put the dolt in Adult has struck again. Who can forget the Cyclepath who goes around mindlessly murdering people? Or last year’s fantastic use of the word ‘architected’? Recently enhanced by the addition of the architeered and architeer. And he’s done it again this year, an honourable mention for sharp toolery, but the winner from a prolific literary giant, the term ‘Rubbleised’, coined of course by the brilliant Sam.

Best Newcomer
Jamie of course with Patricia Goodkind

The Danny Dyer Award for Unexpected Royalness
Jed Conroy, who surprised everyone in particular himself by inheriting a Barony

Most Reckless
Nominated, Jed for his gambling
Jud for driving a stolen slavers’ hover transporter well over a hundred miles in the dark, having had no experience of operating any machinery more sophisticated than a tin opener, but:
Vizral is the winner for his consumption of suspicious white liquid with no regard to its COSHH assessment resulting in his comatose state during the attempted kidnapping of Jud and the Reverend Erabis plus his continued use of drug dealer Solomon despite this incident.

Character with the Most Impressive Wood
Sadly not a close contest this or indeed any year, Jed wins for his impressive collection of Mahogany, although apparently Weylan ran a close second for reasons which perhaps fortunately, remain unclear.

Best Model
Jud, who unknowingly modelled extensively for the spy camera network on Trebizand whilst dismantling it and is now babe of the month in seven systems (and has the death sentence in twelve more.)

Most Inappropriate Propositioning Award
Garble for his attempts to chat up Violet (Who can forget his immortal and presumably up to then sure fire line; ‘Would you like me to rearrange your curtains?’)

The Kevin Green Memorial Award for Most Ridiculous Use of a grenade
Well of course no one tosses like the immortal Green for whom this award is named, but for the best attempt to emulate the great man this year, the award goes to Weylan as we made our futile escape attempt from the Xancorp troopers

The ‘What a great time to suddenly develop scruples’ Award
Captain Urid McCullough for declining the contract on our patron offered to us by his brother, a man worth hundreds of billions with about ten minutes to live and very few other things on which to spend his money.

Most Problem Free Character
Garble, who had no problem communicating
Jed, who certainly had no gambling problem
Vizral, who has no problem staying awake at critical moments.
Weylan, who had no problem with killing people
Barnabus, who has no problem with popularity
The winner : Weylan

Next and before the final part of today’s proceedings, the Academy is conscious that next year will be (Trump willing), the 15th presentation. It would be nice to present a lifetime achievement award next spring. So if anyone could please achieve something in the next year the Academy will be very grateful. Something. Anything. Please.

And now, finally, we reach the most highly prized and sought after TOSSAs; those deemed so important that like BREXIT, the vote is given to the people themselves, in this case the entire membership of TOSS Academy. So let’s hope they displayed the same cool, clear, rational judgement that the British people showed on the issue of withdrawal from the EU.

(Looks ahead at results for a few seconds in mounting horror)

Oh dear. So…[/i]

GM of the year
An unexpectedly large number of nominees here, despite which one member of the Academy failed to vote, presumably disgusted with the poor quality of this year’s crop of talent. Nominated were:

The Cornish Gamer
The Demon Doorhanger
E Gary Gygax
Generic GM #1
Dr Henry Waddington
Ian Livingston
Ian Messiter
Jervis Johnson
Dame Judith Fisher & Professor Arnold Price (Jointly nominated)
Ole Kristiansen
The Rapscallion of Rochford
Sam Fox
The Saminator
Sam Raimi
Samantha Kershaw
Samuel L Kershaw
Six Up Sam
Yosemite Sam

And in reverse order the results: In Joint second place, Generic GM #1 and Jervis Johnson. Sadly Jervis could not be with us tonight but was notified of this commendable and magnificent achievement, which will no doubt be a highlight in an otherwise unremarkable career. He has asked for a short message to be relayed to the academy on his behalf: *

*Actually it was more of a gesture

Well the winner kept us guessing up to the last minute as to whether he or she would be here tonight: Of course, for the second year running and despite not being nominated, it’s Helga. (And here to receive the award on her behalf, Sam.)

Best Character

Barnabus Epsilon
They said he was unelectable but he’s following in the great tradition of such giants as Adolph Hitler,  Margaret Thatcher, Nigel Farage and Donald Trump. He’s the politician who put the Pol in Pol Pot, and the Ill in Kim Yung, lauded and applauded wherever he goes, it’s difficult to find words to describe the extent of his popular appeal. Extremely difficult in fact.

Jedidiah Conroy
The comprehensible half of the Conroy siblings, currently reported missing in action. A serial gambler who may have rolled the dice of fate once too often.

A sassy gunslinger who has always found you get further with a kind word and a crossbow than with a kind word alone.

The Reverend Mannis Erabis
A man of immense faith and a mighty cassock concealing who knows what manner of shotguns and novelty vestments. The first man in a crisis when a blessing is required and a canny reader of men. When he’s not shooting hoops he enjoys travelling (when the ref isn’t looking) and at half time he struggles with the great philosophical questions – brown or red sauce, VHS or Betamax, Ant or Dec?

Obidiah Conroy AKA Garble
Noted for the excellence of his navigating and the absolute rubbish he talked. Made George W Bush sound like Stephan Fry and as intelligible as Edward Lear on speed five years after his death.

Patricia Goodkind
A mysterious agent of the Collins Corporation whose loyalty to the team seemed split at times.

Purple Dragonfly
A very strange one, a womanly weirdo noted for recklessness that helped her come to a sticky end.

Captain Urid McCullough
A leader noted for her great admin skills including some great cheats for extra cargo space/ equipment. Was struggling with an addiction for buying goods on one planet and reselling them at a higher price on another, shockingly putting us in great danger of becoming very rich in a very safe manner.

Vizral Hetherjetts
A pleasantly spoken young man whose hobbies include frightening people into thinking he is going to kill them, then killing them and looking for people to frighten into thinking he is going to kill them and then killing them. In his spare time he enjoys hard drugs, Phil Mitchell impressions and making radio ads for Zinsser paint.

Weylan Sloane
A bodyguard whose principal is currently missing believed killed, which probably sums him up pretty comprehensively. Horribly fixated on his hoverbike.

And the results: No votes for anyone, except in joint second place with a solitary vote each, Jed and Vizral, but the winner, Garble with four votes.

Which brings us finally to the most prestigious award of all:

[b]Player of the Year[/b]

In alphabetical order the nominations were

Ian, Jamie, Jen, Kev, Phil, Toby

An Academy first, one spoiled vote recorded. In last place with no votes, Phil, in last place with no votes, Sam, in last place with no votes, Jamie, in last place with no votes Helga, in last place with no votes, Ian, in last place with no votes Jervis Johnson, in last place with no votes, Kev, In second place with two votes, Jen, but the winner, La La Land. Sorry, some confusion there, with 37,452 votes it’s Toby.

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