Muscles For Money
• Tired of the Alliance kicking sand in your face?
• Bothered by irritating Kobolds?*
• Need to make sure that special consignment gets through without interference from your business rivals?
• Perhaps there’s a special someone in your life. A special someone who needs taking care of?**
If you can answer yes or even maybe to any of the above, Muscles for Money could be for you. No job too small, too messy, too questionable, too depraved. We offer a discrete, no questions asked*** comprehensive service. Just listen to our dissatisfied Customers:
See? That’s how good we are. We believe strongly in the maxim of our founder and CEO, Jeremiah Throttlegutz who says:
‘Remember, you can get further with a kind word and a gun, than with a kind word alone.’
Interested? Then contact us via any of our conveniently situated local offices Cerador -Wide for a no obligations quote, tailor made to your requirements. And remember, if you give us valuables to protect, you can take comfort in the fact that we will protect them as if they were our very own. Should you want someone to receive our advice and assistance, you can be sure that it can’t be traced back to you.
* And who isn’t?
** We realise you can read this two ways. We can help with either.
***Because we can’t think of any
Still worried? Then meet some of our highly trained professionals.
Kasbo Greatgear
Tinker extraordinaire, no device too complicated, no specification too tall for one of our most skilled technicians. Infiltration and extraction his specialities, he works without a trace, without fuss and without fear.* A paragon amongst his people, he laughs in the face of danger** and scoffs at any hazard. Potential clients are reminded that no charges of theft from clients laid against Kasbo have ever been proved***
* Reports that he works without a clue can be taken either way
**He reserves the right to run away before, after or during said laughter
***23 cases currently pending not included
Plainsweaver
Applied mathematics, philosophy, astronomical divination, sociological theory, logic, statistical analysis, structural engineering, theology, tactical and strategic fundamentals; Plainsweaver has killed experts in all of these fields. He does it in a refreshingly open and disarmingly Tauren way with his trusty tried and tested 'pound your opponent to a mushy red paste' technique, famous across three continents. No fuss, no bother, no agonising or prevarication; if only everyone was as direct and uncomplicated.
Despite the obvious benefits of an uncluttered mind,* Plainsweaver is also a deeply spiritual er, nine foot tall hulk, in tune with his gods and one with nature, adding a truly imposing yet serene presence to any team he works with. It’s bread and butter employees like him who put the muscles into Muscles for Money, and believe us, you don’t want him on anyone’s side but your own, whatever the cost.
*Thoughts for example can be very cluttering, especially ones like, ‘Is this right? Should I be asking for more money? Would it be better for me morally/financially/spiritually if I were to change sides?’
Fuq’ Witt
It’s always good to have someone in the team who can make a Tauren look like the intellectual of the group and a troll of Fuq’Witt’s calibre is indeed hard to find.* Suffice to say that her talents are unique and she brings a subtle blend of charm, sophistication, cookery and ballistic skills to the mix.
*Not in the same way that Kasbo is hard to find of course
Tsang Zhu
Here at Muscles For Money we don’t forsake anyone* and Tsang whilst forsaken is as committed as any in our dedicated staff.** In action he has to be seen to be believed, none can stand against the powerful frenzy he deploys in your service at your slightest command. And remember, dead reckoning doesn’t come into it with Muscles for Money; our senior planning echelons will ensure that our course stays dead set on your goals.
*As long as the money is right
**Indeed he’s even more dedicated than most
Cedrico Umberto Niccello Traviata Clacksimeone
Despite our name, it’s not always brawn that wins the day, subtlety, sophistication and intimacy with the paths of power may be needed, and wizards like Clax are just the ticket for that other dimension dimension. All our spell castings come with our unique guarantee* and the elemental forces at your command ensures your success in all endeavours.**
*We will charge you extra for each spell cast in your service – and that’s guaranteed
**Potential customers are reminded that occasional spell malfunctions whilst rare are occasionally inevitable and M For M accepts no liability for accidental injury, death, disability, melting, disfigurement or transformation whatsoever howsoever caused.
So there you have it – and remember we’ve got hundreds of teams like this one, crying
out to do your bidding and bring your projects to fruition.
Muscles for Money – Maximum Momentum, Maximum Magic, Maximum Muscles*
*And possibly maximum Money
(Not affiliated with Muscles For Men Monthly)
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