TOS Annual Awards 2023 Held 16.2.24
As usual the speech from this year’s TOS awards was dull and boring, but we are contractually committed in perpetuity to reproduce the speech verbatim.
Good Afternoon and welcome to this, the eighteenth annual awards, sponsored as usual by The Other Side. A slightly busier year with seven sessions in all, and yes they were magnificent. As usual multiple awards were put forward, and the Academy is proud to announce this year’s results. But before we do, a serious word from the Academy.
The situation on bribery and corruption this year has hit an all-time low: We are all aware that the economy has been difficult since the ludicrous appointment of Liz Truss as Prime Minister. We all know that the writers’ strike has impacted directly on some of us, indeed the quality of this speech provides an all too eloquent demonstration. We know that more doors are closing than opening at the moment, but even taking all these factors into account, the level of payments to The Other Side’s Fund for Undeclared Contributions, (FUC) has been a disgrace.
Let’s remember that these awards rely on your generosity, backhanders, Cayman Island Account donations, Slush fund disbursements and yes, payments in kind. Let’s make sure that this year marks the nadir and 2024 awards achieve previous levels of corrupt practice. ‘Nuff said.
So to commence with the awards. The first category is
Most Concealed Character
K’Mac for his chameleon powers
Pablo for his continual and uncanny ability to blend in despite resembling an overblown tub of lard, even capable of shooting people in the face with a blunderbuss point blank without revealing his position.
Benoto Kralozar for his successful deception as a human.
The winner obviously is our favourite Gif.
And yes there have been some cutbacks this year… (At this point a somewhat disappointing, not to say miniscule award was presented)
Best NPC
This new category was opened to all Academy members to vote: Apparently the judges couldn’t be bothered with this one. 24 points were allocated by the 4 judges:
With no points:
Whizzpop, the mechanoid rescued from the screamers on the beholder vessel.
Benoto Kralozar, helpless stranded survivor on the mind flayer wreck, or so we thought…
Crimelord Traveus the red headed pirate and former prisoner, brutally gunned down by Escobar.
With 1 point
Bosun Torto, she is nominated for services to cigar chomping
With 2 points
Mirt The Merciless, AKA The Old Wolf, the Academy head, famous for his occasional lack of trousers.
With 3 points
Aleav, Plasmoid all round brutaliser, a clarification from the Academy here, the Blob of the year category has been dropped as it was felt this would offend Pablo, so this is one of only two categories Aleav is eligible for.
And our last four all scored one maximum from 1 judge
With 3 points
Captain ‘Let’s just have a quick look at that mind flayer ship, I’m sure it will be perfectly safe,’ Sartell.
With 4 points
The late Captain Ryebeck, purveyor of Meat and beans, recently awarded Gif chef of the year (unopposed)
Miken the treacherous, the unfortunate traitor manipulated into sabotage and deceit. For the avoidance of doubt, both his body and detached head are counted as one nomination.
But the clear winner with 7 points, rated 1st by 1 judge and second by 2
Mr Blip, Academy armourer, bowler hat toting mechanical gnome, arms dealer and manufacturer extraordinaire.
Most Pathetic attempt at a physical training course
Only one nominee here and the clear winner with a shameful record that will probably stand for all time: K’Mac
The Award for Fanciest Shot
Elethiel for her double bullseye on the test range.
Pablo for trumping Elethiel’s shot by putting his bullet through the same hole (or so he claims)
Elethiel, for accidentally shooting Pablo when trying to shoot the astral elf attacking him. (Or so she claims)
K’Mac for incinerating an enemy spelljammer with a lucky firebolt in the Colyer simulation.
The Githyanki pirates for fumbling a mangonel attack on our ship resulting in a surprised and shortly to be deceased crew member being catapulted past us into deep space.
Pablo, for shooting Crimelord Traevus so brutally that his henchmen immediately threw down their arms.
Elethiel, double one for her bow shorts against the crystal worms
An impressive if sadly non-fatal critical hit on the elf priest by Pablo with his autorifle.
Pablo and Elethiel jointly for firing into the maggots swarming over K’Mac with no thought for their own personal safety, or more especially, K’Mac’s.
The winner, Elethiel clinches it by brilliantly ‘accidentally’ shooting Escobar not once, but twice in quick succession.
Most Pretentious Title
Elethiel Battle Angel
Pablo ‘Spider hippo’ Escobar
Aleav the wonderblob
K’Mack Death Flamer (Should have been K’Mac the Knife for the song, but as he appears incapable of handling any weapon…)
The Winner, Elethiel Battle Angel
Best Death
Winston Ryebeck, melted by exploding mephits summoned by the traitor Miken.
The afore mentioned Miken Havenstance, spectacularly decapitated by a Githyanki attempting to seize him
Crimelord Traveus callously gunned down by Pablo Escobar.
Benoto Kralozar, spectacularly incinerated together with an associate by a fireball cast from K’Mac
The Winner, Miken
The Liz Truss memorial award for the Stupidest Action
Obviously Ms Truss has been awarded this in perpetuity so the award is for 2nd place in this category
Pablo for trying to walk across an unsafe deck on the wrecked vessel in the training simulation, rather than send across the lighter elf, or even more sensibly switching off the gravity.
K’Mac, for accidentally extending his explosive decompression on board the beholder ship during the mephit fight slightly further than required, resulting in him almost killing everyone.
Pablo, for asking the name of the shop named after the film Forbidden Planet.
The American people for even thinking about Donald Trump as a candidate for the presidency
K’Mac badly wounded and alone, deciding to check out the command deck of the mind flayers’ wrecked ship.
Pablo, leaping to board the Moon Dancer and falling straight into the sea, when there was no need at all to attempt the feat.
The whole party, for trusting Benoto the Psurlon in disguise, you might say we ‘(Psurlon) steaked’ everything on him being kosher...
Elethiel for arming the prisoners when the astral elves attacked and perhaps more importantly, failing to disarm them after the fight.
The winner, Pablo, or as he is increasingly known, Pablo the plunger, for his thunderous crash through the fragile deck, but frankly could have been anything.
Most Callous use of weaponry
Pablo for liberal use of force grenades against the crystal worms, killing at least one civilian and wounding Aleav
Pablo, for rigging a mega grenade to defeat the big tentacle thing* sealed in the mind flayer wreck.
*The Neh-Thalggu
K’Mac for using fireball against the dockside thugs when there was a large crowd of innocent by standers. But hey, pretty colours, lots of dice…
K’Mac for risking another fireball to defeat the Psurlons on the mind flayer ship when there was a good chance that extensive toasting of the rest of the party might ensue
Pablo for his torture of Miken
Pablo the grenadier wins
The Host or Hostess with the Most or Mostess
Jen who has hosted more than anyone else
Toby who slyly (and commendably) attempted to bribe the judges with his Pizza Oven produce
Sam who despite not hosting, has attempted to use chicken dinners as an inducement
But the winner is Jen
The final three categories were also open to a general vote of all academy members
Best Character
Nominated in alphabetical order:
Elethiel the astral elf
K’Mac N’Vack-Kack the Thri Kreen
Pablo Escobar The Gif, or possibly Jif
And the Votes were cast, 1 for Elethiel, 1 for Pablo, and 2 for the winner, K’ Mac.
Player of The Year 2023
In a shock this year Toby, winner four years running was not even nominated. (Although as he hadn’t
actually played, maybe less of a shock)
The nominees are:
Ian, Jen and Sam.
The votes were cast 3-1 in favour of: Sam
GM of the Year 2023
There was only one nominee
and after much deliberation, this inanimate carbon rod wins it.* But here to accept the award on its behalf, Toby.
*One for all you Simpson fans out there
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