Combined Unified Necronic & Terrific Roleplay Awards 2014
The awards were presented 8.2.14
A few moments of reflection before we start, these are actually the ninth in the series of awards that began with the Power Behind the Throne Awards in 2006. There then followed four years of TOSS awards, the Doomstone awards of 2011, the RIPAs, and the NACKERS. Just think, back in 2006 Sam here was just a 3’ immature geek addicted to computer games, whereas now…. He has a beard.
Some of us still treasure our awards from all those years ago. Here we have one of the first, and as you can see in those days we still relied on the awards being hand crafted by the great Elf Warsmith Crawlias who forged his works in the polystyrene mines on the banks of the River Chelmer.*
*To say the piece of award presented for inspection at this point was a masterly piece of classic design would be a crime against the truth. To say that it looked far more impressive in its original undamaged state would also sadly have been an exaggeration of gargantuan proportions.
In those days we had no internet, the account was circulated by e mail for people to ignore. But not everything has changed; Jen is still beautiful; still resistant to all our charms and Geoff still cheats.*
* As he went on to demonstrate with considerable aplomb during the subsequent session
So welcome to this year’s awards which for the first time combine 40k, Rolehammer and D & D. Beginning with the 40K section first:
Most Deadly Opponent since last years NACKERS.
In those eleven or so months the Necrons have played 57 against 11 different armies controlled by 13 different opponents five of whom are present here today, resulting in 22 wins and 35 losses.
In reverse order our most deadly opponents:
Space Wolves 5 losses
Chaos 6 losses
Blood Angels 12 losses
And our most frequent victims, again in reverse order:
Eldar 3 wins
Dark Eldar 4 wins
Blood Angels 8 wins
Moving on to Roleplay:
I’ll mention first some awards that sadly were dropped for lack of nominations and incredibly amongst these was ‘Best Murderer,’ a very poor showing this year with only Woodwanker nominated, not for his numerous child slayings of course, but for his dastardly killing of the faithful Puderillo.
The ‘Overcharge Me I’m a Fabulously Rich Prince’ Award only scraped one nomination as the party had very limited royal participation this year. The prince concerned has asked us not to mention his name for obvious reasons of acute embarrassment and we will of course respect Saladin’s wishes on this as he did manage to get spectacularly ripped off for his golden armour.
The ‘Let’s release this evil creature back into the world to wreak carnage and havoc because I’m a bit of a soft touch and have a heart of gold despite my gruff one eyed hideously deformed appearance Award’ would have gone to Barakor for his release of the imprisoned Umber Hulk, but we’re sure he’ll receive his just desserts for it in the future.
In the ‘Most stunningly appropriate spell selection’ category, disappointingly only Cedrico Umberto Niccello Traviata Clacksimeone was nominated here for his choice of Slowfall before the flying carpet air raid. However bearing in mind this resulted in him tragically saving the lives of both Woodwanker and Upubumia, it’s probably just as well.
Less surprisingly, there was only one candidate for the ‘Totally freaking out the rest of us with his daemonic possession and scary powers of Death Mageness’ Award, so Woodwanker misses out here.
Moving on to the actual awards then: (Winners are highlighted)
The Touching things that shouldn’t be touched Award:
Nominations here:
Barakor, for setting off the poisonous gas trap in the temple of the golden spire
Barakor, for breaking the circle of power restraining the wraith in the temple of the golden spire
Holly, setting off the alarm in Hells Portal
Saladin, for triggering the web trap in Hells Portal
Total Cowardice Award
Roscoe, for frequently finding other things to do when combat beckons
Saladin, for failing to engage troops at the main temple of Hells Portal whilst in a sulk
Clacksimeone, AKA ‘The Invisible Mage’, the man who put the ‘back’ in ‘back up.’
Eldras and Roscoe, for ensuring that they always take their enemies from behind.
Inter-Party Amity Award
Roscoe, for attempting to pick pocket Saladin
Eldras, for attempting to pick pocket Kravaine.
Eldras, for skimming the party’s treasure take
Holly, for assaulting Saladin Occasionally
Eldras, for attempting to pick pocket Kravaine. Again.
Barakor, for nearly killing Zionestes (whilst charmed, allegedly)
Possibly Unwise Thievery Award
Roscoe, who began searching bodies and then looted the Rakasta’s chest before the battle had ended in Chateau D’Amberville
Roscoe, for pre-emptive looting of the corpses of the enemy thieves in Grakt’s Crag.
Eldras’ clumsy pick pocketing whilst sight seeing in Mirath
The Scooby Doo ‘Let’s split up’ Award
Eldras and Roscoe scouting in Grakt’s Crag alone and getting captured
Saladin, entering the globe room at Hells Portal and getting captured
Roscoe, for continually wandering off whilst the party gets tied up in life and death struggles that he clearly finds a bore.
But the winner bringing an additional layer of stupidity to the tactic: Eldras entering the globe room at Hells Portal and being captured in exactly the same way as Saladin despite having already seen what happened to him earlier.
And this award is presented in the hope that party members will travel in one direction more often in future.*
*An appalling visual pun involving a popular beat combo was perpetrated at this point, although opinion as to its effectiveness is divided (between me and the rest of the world)
The Failure to Turn Up Award
Nominated here:
Geoff, who after a strong start fell away disgracefully by unexpectedly turning up again. (He even threatened a late burst for this award but blew it as you can all see.)
Anthony, who impressively and with fantastic dedication has successfully resisted the urge to turn up, ever, even leaving the country to avoid temptation.
Drummond
Dave
But the winner and aren’t we all grateful gods bless him?*
James
*Especially as it saves me the cost of an award.
Most stunning use of unarmed Combat
Holly, for her performance in the ring in Chateau D’Amberville
Holly, for stunning Rakastas in Chateau D’Amberville
But the winner is
Holly, for performing her exploding heart technique on Sam
The ‘Well I know I’m supposed to be a delicate intellectual spell caster but actually I spend a lot of time cutting the throats of unconscious people’ Award
Cedrico the Magnificent
Kravaine
Most Confused Character Award
Saladin, for believing that he’s an Orc named Grom
Ripven, for not being quite sure what’s going on
Carrie, for being completely unsure what’s going on
Roscoe, ‘So what exactly are we doing here again?’ Toscgobble
The ‘Why does everyone always pick on me?’ Award
Roscoe, for everyone always picking on him
Holly, for frequent arguments with Saladin
Holly, for arguments with Barakor
The Excellence in Torturing Award
Roscoe & Saladin are jointly nominated for ‘talking’ to the captured illusionist at Hells Portal
Saladin, keen to execute prisoners with his ‘Whoops my crossbow has gone off accidentally whilst pointed at a prisoner’s head again’ excuse at Grakt’s Crag
Saladin, for his wish to torture Prenell
Dieing at an awkward moment Award
Zionestes, fighting the phase spider in Hells Portal
Barakor, poisoned unwisely hitting the brandy at the ghosts banquet in Chateau D’Amberville
The Incredibly flukey Award
Kravaine and Barakor for predicting the presence of a dragon at the fortress of the Great Plains
Barakor, for predicting the Mage of the Great Plains is Allerzoi
Saladin, for brilliantly working out/ guessing how to kill the spice worm in Hells Portal
The ‘I love magic swords’ Award
Barakor drooling over Gutwrencher
Saladin drooling over Gutwrencher
Eldras drooling over Gutwrencher
The ‘Why does everyone ignore me?’ Award
The nominations are:
Ripven, Plainsweaver, Cedrico, Lutzbar, Zionestes, Eldras, Saladin, Kasbo, Grom, Barakor, Kravaine, Roscoe, Woodwanker.
So the winner is, Kravaine, sorry Holly
Most Sucking Up to the DM
Based on average EPS awarded per session where the player was in attendance
In reverse order
Roscoe 1073
Saladin 1296
Holly 1317
Eldras 1318
Barakor 1395
Kravaine 1511
Ripven 2498
And now if we can be serious for a moment: A special one off award: This year we choose to remember how fortunate we are to live in a country where men are not forced to wear dresses or rough tweed, where tossing is not regarded as a manly skill to be demonstrated in a skirt in full public view; a land where goalkeeping is recognised as a profession of worth and citizens of our largest city can be understood without the use of sub titles.
Amongst us today, is one who has made the dangerous journey south, through impenetrable heather and bracken, dodging grouse shoots, crossing rivers of whiskey, avoiding drunken Glasgow kisses, whirling claymores, scaling the ancient walls of Agricola and Hadrian, the hellish skirl of wheezing bladders ringing in their ears. If the music doesn’t get you the poetry will, in fact he’s arrived just in time to avoid his annual dose of third degree Burns. So the award for:
Best escape across a heavily fortified border before the descent of an impenetrable wall made of bagpipes, oats, haggis and battered Mars bars Award
goes to
That well known dedicated Suzanne Vega fan, yes it’s Vegan Ripven Winkle.
The Inspired use of a levitation spell Award
Incredibly Kravaine misses out here on her levitation of the unconscious body of Barakor in Hells Portal to save some potentially nasty back strains
Instead Clacksimeone wins for levitating the crown off the Lych King’s head thus removing his powers and defeating him at a stroke.
The final award is the one voted for by everyone. The CUNTRA for the best and presumably smuggest player of the year. We present the
Best Award for the Strongest, Toughest And Richest* Dungeoneer
*I mention richest as bribery was an option that disappointingly no one took up despite my very low bribery threshold.
Joint last with no votes:
Ripven. Kravaine. Roscoe. Grom.
Next with one vote:
Holly and Zionestes (the latter not even nominated).
With two votes:
Barakor and Saladin. Though the judges were, much like Saladin, in two minds whether to accept a vote from both Grom and Saladin.
But the winner with three votes and therefore recipient of the BASTARD:
Eldras
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