TOSS Awards 2021
Well a very minimal year of activity and the judges have decided to defer the majority of awards to next year so excellence in performance last year will be considered for recognition then. Some awards were nevertheless put forward, and although saddened by the small scale, the Academy is proud to announce the presentation of several awards this year despite the unfavourable circumstances.
The Host or Hostess with the Most or Mostest Award
Toby and Jen nominated here, and well, she’s bright, she’s beautiful, she gives great Brownie, she’s elegant, she’s sophisticated, and most import of all, she’s paid me, the winner is Jen.
The Nurgle award for most infected
Well sadly these are as we know, difficult times. He can’t be with us tonight so the judges assembled a special TOSSA for him: A huge fan of President Trump we have this, and his other favourite thing is of course… Pussy. And here to eat Phil’s award on his behalf… Jen. And fittingly you will perhaps be unsurprised to hear that news of this award, has already gone viral.
The award for contributions to world overpopulation
An outstanding effort by Mr and Mrs Hill is recognised by the academy. Steph was also nominated for an award for most spectacular weight loss, but in view of the fact that she is already expected to coin it in for her revolutionary new book ‘The Steph Plan Diet’, in which she claims instant average weight loss of 7 to ten pounds in a matter of hours or even minutes; the decision was taken that no further recognition for this achievement is required.
The Award for Outstanding Invisibility
Nominated, Toby, Phil and Kev but Phil and Toby blew their chances by using zoom to join sessions. And classily fully vindicating the judges’ decision, Kev can’t be here today and takes the award in convincing style.
Best Newcomer
Well an exciting year with two nominees competing here: Isaac, at last takes over Sam’s mantle of least mature member of the group, or does he? And Sanna who we all hope brings some sanity and direction to Sam at last. The decision was a close one but with reports that Isaac is so far showing little tactical or strategic awareness; a disappointing lack of interest in early testing sessions and an annoying propensity to consume dice and model figures, the award has to go to Sanna.
Now unfortunately I did drop this paper in a puddle earlier and parts of this are a little smudged and difficult to make out, but I think this next award is, well it looks like Biggest Kent, perhaps biggest in Kent? I don’t know but I can only think that makes Phil the very obvious winner.
Now did I say Mr and Mrs Hill a few moments ago? Well of course they are still not actually chained together within the blissful bonds of holy matrimony, having deployed all manner of flimsy excuses to delay the date. (Excellent work Mr Hill). So they receive The award for the most reluctant Nuptials
Now, on a serious note, we all remember the horrific times a thousand years ago when the Vikings mercilessly raided our coasts in an orgy of destruction and violence: Burning our monasteries; stealing our gold; butchering our monks, forcing their meatballs on us; inflicting us with lecturing brats who think they own the planet; complaining about our beer; erecting their furniture stores and carrying off our womenfolk.
Well despite the true inhabitants of these islands being forced back to the westernmost fringes including the untamed wilds of remote wastelands such as Anglesey, Pembroke and Cornwall, the elders of the true British race have finally taken strong action in retaliation: Agent Kershaw of the Cornish Empire, special representative of that great organisation Cornwall United, Never Tamed, was despatched on a mission of vengeance to the Scandinavian sub-continent and returned, reporting that he had duly laid waste to one of the Viking capitals or at least several of its bars and carried off one of the womenfolk he found there. The final total for the number of monks he was able to slay is still being audited. So the TOSSA for
Getting Our Own Back On those Pesky Norse goes to Sam.
Finally this year’s induction to TOS hall of fame; last year the inaugural inductee was of course Sam, so not a lot to live up to frankly, but the judges considered the situation carefully and reviewed all contributions and after much deliberation agreed unanimously on the second colossus to be inducted. Whether a doughty starship trader captain, a slightly shifty evil dark elf, a sadistic hobbit or any number of femme fatales, she can always be relied upon to add that extra dimension to a game, especially as already mentioned, her brownies, Jen is our second Hall of Famer.
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