Rolehammer Inspirational Player Awards 2013
Were presented at a prestigious event on the 2nd of March.
These are difficult times with austerity sweeping the nation and this year there have had to be considerable cuts in the awards programme: The following awards are honourable mentions only and no RIPA will be presented:
Best Tank Driver
Kasbo, who drove us out of Northwatch with flair and panache. Judges were persuaded that the royalties he earned from Police, Camera, Action meant that he had already received adequate recognition in this area.
Least Accurate Grenade throwing
Lutzbar in the final battle of the aerial assault on Northwatch when she managed, admittedly whilst temporarily blinded, to throw her grenade 180 degrees in the wrong direction. The judges decided that because of potential confusion with the famous bloodbowl awards it was decided not to award Lutzbar the title of most useless tosser.
The Hindenburg Memorial Award for Zeppelin Sabotage
Kasbo, for destruction of the Raging Inferno as it docked in Crossroads
Most Successful Release of Unspeakable Evil on the World
The entire party was recognised for its inspired freeing of the great dragon Inixia which they were of course supposed to destroy. Such breathtaking incompetence sets new standards in the annals of disastrous failure.
Best Tumbler
Only one contender here: Kasbo the Elusive
Most Unexpected Admiral
Clacksimeone, who somehow found himself appointed admiral of the Bloodsail Buccaneers.
Most Treacherously Betrayed
Fuq’ Witt, lured to capture and torture by the enspelled Clacksimeone at Kurzon’s compound.
Most stupid Death
A clash with the Horrible History franchise meant copyright problems if this award was presented. Jointly awarded to Fuq’Witt and Kasbo who went for a moonlight dip in an oil slick against clear GM advice
Best Potion Maker
Plainsweaver
Must disgusting slaying with a Sickle
Woodwanker again, killing Mr Smite with a deadly dart in the derriere in a scene we all look forward to seeing edited out in the certificate 15 version of the forthcoming film version of our adventures.
Best Nemesis Award
Sam for Creating Venture Co and Muscles for Money. Judges felt an award for the GM would set a dangerous precedent.
Moving on them to the actual awards for which budget could be found:
The Award for Most Corpses Consumed Post Mortem
Geoff’s spooky sex changing undead, Talia
Best Tank Gunner
The Great Cedrico, demolishing Northwatch as we escaped with some damn fine shooting.
The Award for Most Misguided Rescuing of a Street Wench
Kasbo for his selfless rescue of Kerry, a harmless waif from the streets of Theramoore. Who later deprived us of a substantial horde of gold and became our employer.
Top Killing Machine
Lutzbar
Poorest Attempt to Teleport to Safety Award
Plainsweaver for teleporting us to the back of the Inixia the dragon’s lair having just almost escaped it with an ill judged teleport crystal. Twice.
Best Cheating
Sam for extensive ad hoc upgrades of the ‘too easy’ Mr Smee.
Most Able to Attract a Giant Worm when we Supposed to be Remaining Motionless Award.
Fuq’ Witt, who when ordered to freeze to avoid attracting the creature’s attention ran up a tree giving away our position
Best Use of a Meteorite in Defenceless Town Destruction
Cedrico the Magnificent for the destruction of Ratchet (purely by accident of course)
Apparently Best Yorkshire Pudding, Bolognese and Sundry Other Refreshments
Fuq Witt
Best Brownies
Lutzbar
Award for Best Bitch
Several nominees here in a closely fought contest, but just nudging …Sam into second place: Holly.
Coolest Shades Award
Kasbo for his appropriation of the late Horatio Lane’s sunglasses
Most Integrated Armour System
Talia after her armour was magically fused to her forming a terminator-like exo-skeleton
Most Spectacular Elimination of the Entire Party’s Clothing
Clacksimeone who inadvertently left the party naked after destroying the giant worm
Most Creative Name Award
Sam for Generic Guard one and all variations thereof
Least Creative Name award
Sam for Generic Guard one and all variations thereof.
Poorest Attempt at Fish Jokes
Plainsweaver for showing total lack of creativity in this rich and otherwise well ploughed field
Least Comradely Act
Lutzbar for trying to kick Plainsweaver’s head in after he survived near drowning in Booty Bay.
Most Brutal Murderer Award
Talia for her casual murder of a gentleman in Crossroads
Least Successful Thievery Attempt
Fuq’Witt’s raid on an abandoned bookshop in Booty Bay when she was outsmarted by an empty shop and locked safe.
Least Successful Charm
Clax’s enspellment of an armed robber who when ordered to shoot his colleague, turned out to be armed with an imitation firearm. Sadly his companion’s was real as was instantly demonstrated.
Most Unfortunate Attempt to Disarm an Explosive Slave Collar
Horban Woodwanker who got the thumbs down for this one.
Most Raped Award
Sadly Cedrico Umberto Niccello Traviati Clacksimeone for the regrettable incident with Jania Proudmoore.
Horniest Player award
Plainsweaver
2.3.13
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